The thing is, I'm not sure it's been entirely positive. I'm much more self aware than I have ever been before, and notice things and am more analytical of myself, which is arguably a good thing. But, I've lost all confidence in my abilities. Give me a paragraph or two, let me try to explain the thoughts in my head.
I now know that I am shit working in large groups, I just disappear and let someone else take over because, and I realise this is terrible, because that's easy. Invariably there's somebody much more intelligent, or with a better idea, or with a greater capability to vocalise their idea whilst you struggle to form functioning sentences with actual real life words. I am also now very aware that I need reassurance to feel confident in doing something. I need someone to tell me I'm good at it, which is appallingly childish and immature. Surely this just means I need to grow up?
And I've always been aware that anybody who tried that reverse psychology bullshit of not being positive in the hope I'll try harder in order to garner compliments will never work on me. Ever. Sorry, I just don't care that much about any one person's opinion.
I realise that all of the following is stuff that I can work on and change, but I now have no confidence in my acting ability. I mean, I was never under the illusion that I was the next Laurence Olivier, but still.
I'm also scared of directing. I've started writing a stage version of 'Jekyll and Hyde' and was contemplating submitting it to the drama society and asking them, if they didn't hate it, if I could direct it. And then found myself thinking I could never do that, I found myself getting genuinely scared about directing a play here, which sucks! I quite like directing, but again I seem to have lost all confidence in my abilities. =(
And the one thing that I am truly genuinely saddened by that has happened at university, is that I've not been able to sing.
The walls here are paper thin, so I can't sing in my room because everyone would be able to hear me, and there's truly nothing better than belting out a good old song completely out of tune but fuck it anyway! AND I CAN'T DO THAT HERE! =( I can't belt out a song in class because I'm in a room full of people, but yeah. I miss singing.
This is a really weird and pointless blog post, but I thought I write it out anyway. At least I now know what my weaknesses are. And, let's face it, these are all things that I can work on and change.
This is a cactus:
