What is the point? I really don't get it any more. I am losing any and all motivation to do any form of work.
I have been sat in front of my computer for about an hour now, and haven't even really thought about working. Admittedly all the work that I have to do tonight was the work that I didn't do monday or tuesday. The thing is, out of the seven essays that I have to do, I only reall want to do three of them, because I'd feel really guilty if I didn't, but they are the only ones I can get away with not doing. The others are for teachers that either a) scare me, or b) I don't particularly want to interact with in the slightest, which I would have to do if they were telling me off.
Life sucks
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
OH MY GOD!!!! EITHER MY TEACHERS ARE THICK OR I'M JUST BLOODY LUCKY!!
I mean seriously!! I have managed to dodge all teachers and detentions that appeared to be inevitable! God knows what is going on in the world of those strange enough to bother teaching a classroom full of people just like me, but I am not complaining.
I managed to dodge one lesson that had a shocking amount of homework as I had to go to the doctors (apparently I managed to slit my wrist (ACCIDENTALLY!) deeper than I had originally thought. Woops), and I had to pass one german essay on to my other german teacher, so he didn't question the whereabouts of the second as he didn't have the foggiest idea that it existed; and the drama coursework... may I say
L ...
O ...
L ...
I don't know how, but I got away with it. never before have I typed so franticaly in my life. Last night, (I lie... this morning!) I did five of the seven pieces of drama work owed. Now that is amazing! To no extent do I claim that these pieces of work were of any credible value, if any of them pass I shall be truly astonished (this may be the ultimate proof that there is a god. However if there is, it either hates me, or has a cruel sense of humour).
I managed to dodge one lesson that had a shocking amount of homework as I had to go to the doctors (apparently I managed to slit my wrist (ACCIDENTALLY!) deeper than I had originally thought. Woops), and I had to pass one german essay on to my other german teacher, so he didn't question the whereabouts of the second as he didn't have the foggiest idea that it existed; and the drama coursework... may I say
L ...
O ...
L ...
I don't know how, but I got away with it. never before have I typed so franticaly in my life. Last night, (I lie... this morning!) I did five of the seven pieces of drama work owed. Now that is amazing! To no extent do I claim that these pieces of work were of any credible value, if any of them pass I shall be truly astonished (this may be the ultimate proof that there is a god. However if there is, it either hates me, or has a cruel sense of humour).
Monday, 7 April 2008
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE SKY BURN?
I mean seriously, have you ever truly watched and appreciated a true sunset? Where the sky dances and blazes and washes the land with flames as the earth is drowned in colours?
Tis awesome.
Tis truly awesome.
Tis awesome.
Tis truly awesome.
THIS WAS MY TEN SECONDS OF INSPIRATION, IT'S THE OPENING RAMBLE TO A NOVEL.
TEN GOLDEN RULES ON HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY HAVE AN AFFAIR
RULE ONE:
DEFINE THE TERM ‘SUCCESSFUL’
There is no way of knowing whether or not you will have/are having/have had a successful affair if you have no idea what ‘successful’ actually is. For example if your idea of a success is a quick shag every now and them on a whim, and that is the result you get, then well done. However, if you want another relationship with someone you can talk to etc. but you get the same result, your affair is not a success is it?
RULE TWO:
PICK THE RIGHT PERSON
Obviously if you are going to have an affair then you need another person involved, but this selection process has to be very carefully done. Obviously you don’t go out thinking ‘I’m going to cheat on my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend today, you’ll do’ (if you do however, good for you); you see most affairs just happen. They’re not planned or intended, you just find that you need someone, the one you have and love just... just isn’t enough. If you’re the ‘other women/man’ then I hope you’ll also find this the same, you never wanted or intended this to happen, it just does; and the guilt consumes you, tears you apart, but your conscience can be beaten, and is. You need someone who knows this, will understand that they are eternally worth less than all else, after all they are just the person you’re having an affair with.
RULE THREE:
KEEP IT A SECRET
Obviously. You cannot expect to have an affair and tell your other half about it (remember there are exceptions to every rule, but I am yet to meet this particular exception), however keeping it a secret can be hard work. Remember your half knows you, or at least believes this to be so. My own opinion is that it is impossible to ever fully to know someone, a person is a collection of secrets and thoughts and dreams, more than is comprehensible, they may never know themselves fully, so what hope is there of another person doing so. Keeping it a secret however raises lots of problems of its own, I simply hope that you are a brilliant actor and liar and can fool the world. It’s quite odd really that the only person you don’t have to fool is the person you’re having an affair with, but more of that later.
RULE FOUR:
HAVE A SECRET MEETING PLACE
As much of cliché as this may be it is important. There needs to be somewhere that you can go, some escape where you will not be discovered and where you can remain in peace. A nice, secret, neutral territory for all.
RULE FIVE:
WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER, NOTHING ELSE EXISTS
This may not make much sense on the first time of reading, but if you look at it carefully you can see how sensible it is. By ignoring the rest of the world you can forget about the guilt. You don’t have to think about your/their other half. For the time you are together, it is just you. And you are allowed to be happy together, without any anger, annoyance, or awkward moments because something is mentioned about the outside world that could trigger these feelings of guilt.
RULE SIX:
WHEN YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER, YOU CANNOT THINK ABOUT EACH OTHER
This means that you cannot allow yourself to be distracted by thoughts of them; otherwise it is clear that you are having an affair. It also means that you will want them more and more, which creates a depression when you have to live the rest of your life the way you should, and sooner or later somebody will notice this.
RULE SEVEN:
ATTEMPT TO STICK TO THE OPPOSITE GENDER (UNLESS YOU KNOW YOU ARE GAY)
For someone who has spent years of their life with members of the opposite sex to suddenly discover that they have feelings for someone who is of the same gender, means that this will become far more than just an affair, it becomes a question. It makes you question everything that you already think you know about yourself and can create the illusion that you are falling in love purely because this is something new and feelings that you can’t quite understand, but can’t shake off. Therefore to avoid all this confusion would be the ideal.
RULE EIGHT:
DON’T LET YOUR SEX LIFE SUFFER
If all of a sudden your sex life at home suddenly begins to stop then it will be quite clear to your partner that something is wrong and that you may be getting it elsewhere. If that thought doesn’t occur to them then the lack of a physical relationship may cause them to question your relationship entirely. This is not a good thing as it may mean that it leads to them discovering your affair.
RULE NINE:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN AFFAIR THAT CAN END HAPPILY
Never hope that it will.
RULE TEN:
FOR GOD’S SAKE DO NOT FALL IN LOVE
RULE ONE:
DEFINE THE TERM ‘SUCCESSFUL’
There is no way of knowing whether or not you will have/are having/have had a successful affair if you have no idea what ‘successful’ actually is. For example if your idea of a success is a quick shag every now and them on a whim, and that is the result you get, then well done. However, if you want another relationship with someone you can talk to etc. but you get the same result, your affair is not a success is it?
RULE TWO:
PICK THE RIGHT PERSON
Obviously if you are going to have an affair then you need another person involved, but this selection process has to be very carefully done. Obviously you don’t go out thinking ‘I’m going to cheat on my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend today, you’ll do’ (if you do however, good for you); you see most affairs just happen. They’re not planned or intended, you just find that you need someone, the one you have and love just... just isn’t enough. If you’re the ‘other women/man’ then I hope you’ll also find this the same, you never wanted or intended this to happen, it just does; and the guilt consumes you, tears you apart, but your conscience can be beaten, and is. You need someone who knows this, will understand that they are eternally worth less than all else, after all they are just the person you’re having an affair with.
RULE THREE:
KEEP IT A SECRET
Obviously. You cannot expect to have an affair and tell your other half about it (remember there are exceptions to every rule, but I am yet to meet this particular exception), however keeping it a secret can be hard work. Remember your half knows you, or at least believes this to be so. My own opinion is that it is impossible to ever fully to know someone, a person is a collection of secrets and thoughts and dreams, more than is comprehensible, they may never know themselves fully, so what hope is there of another person doing so. Keeping it a secret however raises lots of problems of its own, I simply hope that you are a brilliant actor and liar and can fool the world. It’s quite odd really that the only person you don’t have to fool is the person you’re having an affair with, but more of that later.
RULE FOUR:
HAVE A SECRET MEETING PLACE
As much of cliché as this may be it is important. There needs to be somewhere that you can go, some escape where you will not be discovered and where you can remain in peace. A nice, secret, neutral territory for all.
RULE FIVE:
WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER, NOTHING ELSE EXISTS
This may not make much sense on the first time of reading, but if you look at it carefully you can see how sensible it is. By ignoring the rest of the world you can forget about the guilt. You don’t have to think about your/their other half. For the time you are together, it is just you. And you are allowed to be happy together, without any anger, annoyance, or awkward moments because something is mentioned about the outside world that could trigger these feelings of guilt.
RULE SIX:
WHEN YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER, YOU CANNOT THINK ABOUT EACH OTHER
This means that you cannot allow yourself to be distracted by thoughts of them; otherwise it is clear that you are having an affair. It also means that you will want them more and more, which creates a depression when you have to live the rest of your life the way you should, and sooner or later somebody will notice this.
RULE SEVEN:
ATTEMPT TO STICK TO THE OPPOSITE GENDER (UNLESS YOU KNOW YOU ARE GAY)
For someone who has spent years of their life with members of the opposite sex to suddenly discover that they have feelings for someone who is of the same gender, means that this will become far more than just an affair, it becomes a question. It makes you question everything that you already think you know about yourself and can create the illusion that you are falling in love purely because this is something new and feelings that you can’t quite understand, but can’t shake off. Therefore to avoid all this confusion would be the ideal.
RULE EIGHT:
DON’T LET YOUR SEX LIFE SUFFER
If all of a sudden your sex life at home suddenly begins to stop then it will be quite clear to your partner that something is wrong and that you may be getting it elsewhere. If that thought doesn’t occur to them then the lack of a physical relationship may cause them to question your relationship entirely. This is not a good thing as it may mean that it leads to them discovering your affair.
RULE NINE:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN AFFAIR THAT CAN END HAPPILY
Never hope that it will.
RULE TEN:
FOR GOD’S SAKE DO NOT FALL IN LOVE
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING IT AGAIN!
I'm sat here typing away when my coursework is just staaring at me. I am the worlds biggest idiot! Since my last post I have written exactly three sentence of work, and done a bit of pointless colouring in, because wasting time is what I do best. I had ten seconds of inspiration as a cure for writers block, that then completely dissappeared, and now I'm just depressed again.
And may I say how I like the fact that only one person can be bothered commeneting on what I have to say about life. It makes me feel so important.
Oh well, should work now.
(The road outside my house, is paved with good intentions.
hired a construction crew, cos it's hell on the engine)
And may I say how I like the fact that only one person can be bothered commeneting on what I have to say about life. It makes me feel so important.
Oh well, should work now.
(The road outside my house, is paved with good intentions.
hired a construction crew, cos it's hell on the engine)
YOU KNOW WHAT FOLKS, I GOT AWAY WITH IT (for now)
I somehow managed to get through a day of school today (although the temptation to skive was overwhelming, god knows why I actually went in at all) and I have been given no compulsary studies. Believe me this is an impressive achievement. Due in for today were: German essay and oral presentation, History essay, English coursework. None of which I did, and all of which I got away with not doing.
However, for tomorrow I need to have done: German essay and oral presentation (as I had to use the 'I left it at home' excuse, which is only really good for one run), English work booklet (no joke, this is around fifty pieces of A4 paper, and all of which have text printed on both sides), marking a previous History essay (no point to this so I'm not going to do it), and SEVEN, may I emphasise the SEVEN pieces of Drama coursework, which were technically due in over a week ago.
It's lucky I'm an insomniac.
It's also lucky I have pills that can make me happy, otherwise I would be in tears right now, especially as all this work is staring at me, and I haven't even begun contemplating starting any of it yet.
Oh well.
*sob*
Again, if I die at a shockingly young age, all who read my blog shall know why.
However, for tomorrow I need to have done: German essay and oral presentation (as I had to use the 'I left it at home' excuse, which is only really good for one run), English work booklet (no joke, this is around fifty pieces of A4 paper, and all of which have text printed on both sides), marking a previous History essay (no point to this so I'm not going to do it), and SEVEN, may I emphasise the SEVEN pieces of Drama coursework, which were technically due in over a week ago.
It's lucky I'm an insomniac.
It's also lucky I have pills that can make me happy, otherwise I would be in tears right now, especially as all this work is staring at me, and I haven't even begun contemplating starting any of it yet.
Oh well.
*sob*
Again, if I die at a shockingly young age, all who read my blog shall know why.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
GOD I FEEL LIKE CRYING
I have around nine days in which to get the full length version of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' sorted. This includes various costumes and props. Add this in with the fact that half the cast haven't learnt their bloody lines means that we are more or less completely screwed.
Include with this also that I have exams looming on the horizon, which are usually enough to cause me to punch something, but these means that I have to write and memorise a german presentation in about a week. I also have a mountain of work to do that will never get done, and I know I won't do it despite my best intentions. I hate myself.
We have a scripted performance coming up in less than a month, all of which we need to block and con all of our parts, as at some stage or other everyone plays every character.
Add onto this the fact that I ahve to choose a university and a university course in time to apply and organise my future. The big life altering descisions are not something that I'm particularly exeptional, I have problems deciding what to wear in the morning.
Add onto this that I am suffering from a complete writer's block so I can't even vent my frustration by attempting to complete the three unfinished plays that I'm writing, or several of the general rambly and completely crap novels that I'm writing, and poetry... lol!
I feel like puunching something.
What is annoying me most is that I have less than twelve hours in which to write seven courseworks, a german presentation, a german essay, a history essay and various other crap that I have probably forgotten to do, no good excuses for not doing them, and I'm sat here bloody blogging!
Why am I so pathetic?
One day I'm just going to wander and not stop walking. Perhaps if I walk far enough everything will leave me behind.
If I'm dead by twenty you'll all know why.
Include with this also that I have exams looming on the horizon, which are usually enough to cause me to punch something, but these means that I have to write and memorise a german presentation in about a week. I also have a mountain of work to do that will never get done, and I know I won't do it despite my best intentions. I hate myself.
We have a scripted performance coming up in less than a month, all of which we need to block and con all of our parts, as at some stage or other everyone plays every character.
Add onto this the fact that I ahve to choose a university and a university course in time to apply and organise my future. The big life altering descisions are not something that I'm particularly exeptional, I have problems deciding what to wear in the morning.
Add onto this that I am suffering from a complete writer's block so I can't even vent my frustration by attempting to complete the three unfinished plays that I'm writing, or several of the general rambly and completely crap novels that I'm writing, and poetry... lol!
I feel like puunching something.
What is annoying me most is that I have less than twelve hours in which to write seven courseworks, a german presentation, a german essay, a history essay and various other crap that I have probably forgotten to do, no good excuses for not doing them, and I'm sat here bloody blogging!
Why am I so pathetic?
One day I'm just going to wander and not stop walking. Perhaps if I walk far enough everything will leave me behind.
If I'm dead by twenty you'll all know why.
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