THIS WAS MY TEN SECONDS OF INSPIRATION, IT'S THE OPENING RAMBLE TO A NOVEL.

TEN GOLDEN RULES ON HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY HAVE AN AFFAIR



RULE ONE:
DEFINE THE TERM ‘SUCCESSFUL’
There is no way of knowing whether or not you will have/are having/have had a successful affair if you have no idea what ‘successful’ actually is. For example if your idea of a success is a quick shag every now and them on a whim, and that is the result you get, then well done. However, if you want another relationship with someone you can talk to etc. but you get the same result, your affair is not a success is it?

RULE TWO:
PICK THE RIGHT PERSON
Obviously if you are going to have an affair then you need another person involved, but this selection process has to be very carefully done. Obviously you don’t go out thinking ‘I’m going to cheat on my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend today, you’ll do’ (if you do however, good for you); you see most affairs just happen. They’re not planned or intended, you just find that you need someone, the one you have and love just... just isn’t enough. If you’re the ‘other women/man’ then I hope you’ll also find this the same, you never wanted or intended this to happen, it just does; and the guilt consumes you, tears you apart, but your conscience can be beaten, and is. You need someone who knows this, will understand that they are eternally worth less than all else, after all they are just the person you’re having an affair with.

RULE THREE:
KEEP IT A SECRET
Obviously. You cannot expect to have an affair and tell your other half about it (remember there are exceptions to every rule, but I am yet to meet this particular exception), however keeping it a secret can be hard work. Remember your half knows you, or at least believes this to be so. My own opinion is that it is impossible to ever fully to know someone, a person is a collection of secrets and thoughts and dreams, more than is comprehensible, they may never know themselves fully, so what hope is there of another person doing so. Keeping it a secret however raises lots of problems of its own, I simply hope that you are a brilliant actor and liar and can fool the world. It’s quite odd really that the only person you don’t have to fool is the person you’re having an affair with, but more of that later.

RULE FOUR:
HAVE A SECRET MEETING PLACE
As much of cliché as this may be it is important. There needs to be somewhere that you can go, some escape where you will not be discovered and where you can remain in peace. A nice, secret, neutral territory for all.

RULE FIVE:
WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER, NOTHING ELSE EXISTS
This may not make much sense on the first time of reading, but if you look at it carefully you can see how sensible it is. By ignoring the rest of the world you can forget about the guilt. You don’t have to think about your/their other half. For the time you are together, it is just you. And you are allowed to be happy together, without any anger, annoyance, or awkward moments because something is mentioned about the outside world that could trigger these feelings of guilt.

RULE SIX:
WHEN YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER, YOU CANNOT THINK ABOUT EACH OTHER
This means that you cannot allow yourself to be distracted by thoughts of them; otherwise it is clear that you are having an affair. It also means that you will want them more and more, which creates a depression when you have to live the rest of your life the way you should, and sooner or later somebody will notice this.

RULE SEVEN:
ATTEMPT TO STICK TO THE OPPOSITE GENDER (UNLESS YOU KNOW YOU ARE GAY)
For someone who has spent years of their life with members of the opposite sex to suddenly discover that they have feelings for someone who is of the same gender, means that this will become far more than just an affair, it becomes a question. It makes you question everything that you already think you know about yourself and can create the illusion that you are falling in love purely because this is something new and feelings that you can’t quite understand, but can’t shake off. Therefore to avoid all this confusion would be the ideal.

RULE EIGHT:
DON’T LET YOUR SEX LIFE SUFFER
If all of a sudden your sex life at home suddenly begins to stop then it will be quite clear to your partner that something is wrong and that you may be getting it elsewhere. If that thought doesn’t occur to them then the lack of a physical relationship may cause them to question your relationship entirely. This is not a good thing as it may mean that it leads to them discovering your affair.

RULE NINE:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN AFFAIR THAT CAN END HAPPILY
Never hope that it will.



RULE TEN:

FOR GOD’S SAKE DO NOT FALL IN LOVE